A relationship can be defined as the state of which two or more people are connected and relate towards each other.
We all endeavour to harbour positive relationships but a lot of the time, it is not the case. We are usually able to notice toxic behaviour of certain relationships when we are the observers but when one is emotionally and perhaps sexually invested, it is quiet hard to notice those red flags of a negatively toxic relationship.
I, for instance, was in a relationship which involved a lot of manipulation and power play. It took me a while to realize what was happening because I loved the person so much and no matter how many times people told me he was manipulating me; I would always make excuses for his behaviour. I eventually left on my own accord after wondering why I was always in fear or sad when only around him.
I hope that this article helps someone out there who is experiencing a toxic and unhealthy relationship.
Below are some pointers of how to know if you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Just a by the way* your relationship might have some of this pointers, but it does not mean it is unhealthy, it just could be something you could work on.
1.You are not comfortable being honest about your feelings with your partner.
The best part of being in a relationship is that you can rely on the other person for emotional support. If you cannot be truthful with your partner about certain things then it means you are not completely confident they will still love you or treat you respectfully if you confide in them.
2.They control you with your weakness.
For instance; if you have low self-esteem, they will build you up but will tear you down with those same insecurities in a heartbeat.
3.You feel lonely even when you are together.
This is serious, it means you like the idea of you having a partner but they do not fulfil any of your needs. They neglect you and prioritise other people and things before you even though they are right by your side. Rule of life, when something or someone is meant for you, everything is simplified. You will not need to enhance yourself to attract what is meant for you.
4.Your partner is dismissive of your dreams and goals.
If your partner loves you, they will encourage and acknowledge your dreams and goals. Sometimes they will be honest and tell you the truth that maybe what you are aiming for is not achievable but a lot of times, it is a control issue. Say you want to apply for a promotion and your partner tells you that you are not good enough or it is not suited for you…could it be that he/she is threatened by your success? If you were actually not ready or qualified for the position, maybe your partner could assist and encourage you to be ready for that role. Only you can distinguish if a negative comment has been made out of power play or real concern.
5.Your partner tries to isolate you and cut you off from your support network such as friends and family.
It usually starts with them pointing out how annoying your friends or family are and how they negatively influence you. They do not encourage communication with them and eventually, you start seeing them how he sees them. Master manipulators know that the less support network you have the easier it is for them to control you. Once you cut them off, there will be no one to give you negative advice regarding your relationship and if he/she does anything harmful to you, you will not have anyone to run to.
6.Your partner does not make you feel good about yourself.
Your partner criticizes how you look and calls you names. They make negative comparisons of you with other people. He/she makes you feel that if they did not love you no one else would.
I had a girlfriend who her boyfriend told her that she looked horrible without make up…. No lie, this girl was one of the most beautiful girls I ever met with and without make up…She actually would sleep in her make-up and wake up before him to shower and put make up after he told her that. Needless to say, she did that for two years but still, the relationship ended sadly…surprisingly, he was the one who broke up with her. She was damaged emotionally, physical and mentally after she did all that for him and yet he did not stay.
7.You are constantly in fear that your partner will leave you
You are always unsure and on edge because he probably threatens that he/she will leave you countless times. You walk on egg shells in order not to infuriate them. If your partner does not give you the security that they are there to stay and you often have to question their loyalty then … You know what to do!!!
8.They do not acknowledge your feelings.
They will make you feel like you are expecting too much, it is your fault you feel that way, you are clingy, you overreact, you overthink everything and your feelings are not valid.
9.They are physically or/and emotionally violent.
They abuse you and make it look like you were the cause of their anger. They manipulate you into thinking that they will do it again but it really never stops ….You need to get out!! There are no buts or ifs with this point, no matter what you have done, violence is never ok!!
Lovelies, I could go on and on but what I can say is if it does not feel right… dig deep and never be afraid to walk away.